Believer

How's this for a positive peestick?



I am actually starting to believe I am pregnant. Me. Again. Wow!

And it already amazes me how different it feels this time. Not physically, but in my heart. Last time, it was so surreal. We had almost given up hope we'd ever become parents, didn't look further ahead than the next day. We knew we were pregnant then, we saw the double lines. Saw the ultrasound pictures. Felt all those little kicks. But we knew nothing about having children. We had a vision in our head of what it might be like, but it was blurry. At best.

This time around? I KNOW what might be growing inside of me. I FEEL it. With every fiber in my body. There's already a connection. I feel it when I look at our twins. They are my family. The ones that are here already. And the one(s) that we can't yet see. It's weird. But I love it!


Oh shit! When this ends up going wrong, I will crash so hard I won't know what hit me for months...

Ultrasound on August 12.

I confess...

Okay. I confess. I'm not THAT patient...

Yesterday morning (14 DPO) I peed on a stick. I'd been feeling a bit sick since Tuesday. Nausea. And I was tired enough to fall asleep on the couch while watching NCIS. I NEVER fall asleep watching NCIS. And I just felt, well, pregnant.

Turns out all of the above? Just a stomach bug that hit me full on Yesterday afternoon.

But.

The test?

It had a second line. It's faint, but it's there. As opposed to the test I took on Monday (yes, I did take a test on Monday, too. What do you think I am, a saint?!?) which had no second line whatsoever. Nothing. Nada. Not even while squinting and holding the test in front of the window letting the light shine through. Yes. I am that desperate.

So. Well. Yes. A stomach bug. But. I might just be pregnant, too...



(told you it was faint, didn't I?)

Stuff it!

I'm not "supposed" to test until next Tuesday, but that's just torture! I am certain they just say that to bug you. They are like that...

But. I am not on any progesterone or hCG shots (cryo transfer in natural cycle). So. I should start menstruating tomorrow or Thursday. Thus. If I haven't seen any blood by Friday, I will consider myself pregnant. And once I do, they can stuff their official testdate where the sun don't shine!

What did we get ourselves into?

Yesterday morning we had to call the IVF lab to hear if there was anything left to transfer. The only other time I've been so scared for a phonecall was just over two years ago, the morning of our second IVF transfer, the day we met our twins for the very first time...

Yesterday around lunchtime I was in the car, on my way to the clinic.

Yesterday evening we looked at each other and said: "Oh help! What if they BOTH stick around?"

Because...

...we don't want our family knowing about our upcoming transfer (and yes, they do know how to use Google). How's that for a boring reason?

If this works (yeah, right), we would like to choose our own time and place to tell them about our pregnancy. We missed out on that last time...

They will start thawing our little popsicles tomorrow. Nervous? Me? Nah... *biting nails while wiggling toes nervously (which is hard, since they are still crossed for Stacie)*

"plop"...

...and gone was our follicle.

Uterin lining at 11 mm, ovulation confirmed.

Now they're busy trying to find out at exactly what day past retrievel our embryo's were frozen, so they can figure out the best day for transfer. My file seems to have gotten "lost".

Man, they are good at losing things there... The NICU files of our twins (yes, of BOTH kids) were missing too. I asked for a transcript in NOVEMBER, and they finally arrived in the mail last MONDAY. Oh, and the High Care Nursery files are STILL missing.

At least they didn't lose the KIDS, right?

I wonder if they'll be able to find the freezer come Saturday (or Sunday, depending on what's in the still missing file)...


*** update: just called the embryology lab (which is in a different hospital), and they still have everything on record. Transfer on Sunday! ***

Back on track

The scan today showed a leading follie of 19 mm. On the RIGHT side. It seems my right ovary looked at my left, saw it wasn't cooperating, let out a big sigh and thought: "Well, if you don't, I will!"

Ex-leading follie on the left is now at 17 mm so it, too, is still growing. Imagine that: double ovulation in a NATURAL cycle? If we'd not have chosen to go ahead with the FET, we might have ended up with twins (again) this month (if we weren't so, well, infertile)! Weird... It almost seems like I'd be messing with nature if we decide to only transfer one... Is the universe trying to tell me something?

Next scan on Wednesday, transfer (please, let there be anything left to transfer) Friday or Saturday.