CD3...
Called the clinic this morning to schedule u/s for first (and last) FET. Since then I've been alternating between excited, nauseated and scared shitless.
There's this knot in my stomach that just won't go away. All the fears and hurts of all those years of ttc for our twins came flooding back in the second I put down the phone. Multiplied by the fears and hurts and worries surrounding their premature birth. I thought I'd "gotten over" them, or at least hidden them somewhere hard to find. Guess not...
I thought I was ready for this.
Am I, really?
What if this doesn't work?
There's less than a 10% chance that it will. What will be the next step? Will there BE a next step? Will we start all over again with a fresh IVF-cycle? He doesn't want to. I don't really want to, either. We have two wonderful, healthy children. We have the family we always wanted. Why would we start all over again? But I'm afraid I'll change my mind. Afraid I'll drag our family back into the whirlpool of emotions surrounding IVF. Afraid I'll magnify the little piece that's "missing", forgetting about all the big pieces that ARE here. I'm also afraid that I'll forever look back on this and think: "Why didn't it work? Why does everybody else get lucky and we didn't?" instead of "Look at those two beautiful kids! Aren't we the luckiest people in the whole wide world?!?"
What if it DOES work?
Will I carry this new child to term, or will it be born even more premature than our twins? Will it be healthy? And if it's not, will our still a bit shaky family be able find a new balance? Am I a good enough mother to even raise two, let alone three? Will I be able to love a new child as much as I love our twins? Oh my god, what if I love it MORE? What if this child has a "normal" start, and when I hold it in my arms for the first time right after birth, the way it is supposed to be, my love for it will suddenly hit me like a huge big tidalwave and make me doubt all I've ever felt for our twins?
Did we make the wrong choice? Is it too late to turn back? Do I even WANT to turn back?
Right now I don't know anything. I feel a thousand things, but I can't wrap my head around any of them. So I'm just letting those feelings flow through me, wash over me. Trying to ride the wave, wondering where it will take me...
I was about to post a comment I didn't actually mean. I was about to say that no matter the outcome, trying and knowing the outcome is better than not trying and wondering what could have been.
ReplyDeleteIt's not true. And that's why it's hard.
But hard is something you're good at, and so you'll get through it.
Good luck, no matter what happens.
ReplyDeleteI get it. This decision is a collection of opposites--frightening while exciting being the top two. I just don't think that my family is complete yet, not without at least trying for another. Maybe you feel the same?
ReplyDeleteCD3 for me tomorrow. I go in for my scan and bloodwork. If I get the all clear, I start stims tomorrow. Um. I'm a little freaked but trying to hide it. For some reason, though, I feel like I need to keep these emotions bottled up, which is so unlike my usual MO. Maybe I'll blog about it tomorrow if I get the go ahead? I don't know.
Hugs.