Monday, June 29, 2009

Being "the fertile one" sucks

Yesterday's scan showed 1 dominant follicle in my left ovary, measuring about 12 mm. Lining approximately 6 mm. Right on track for CD 10. Next scan thursday.

My guess? Ovulation Friday or Saturday, and FET Monday or Tuesday. If there is anything left to transfer after the thaw of our 3 popsicles...

That's the hard facts. Now for the rest of the story:

I am such a bad person. I am. Really!

Remember that person in the waiting room? That woman who would always be there while you were waiting for your scan? The one that made you painfully aware of just how empty your arms were? No, not the one with the pregnant belly. Yes, the sight of her hurt, too, but she couldn't help it: pregnant women need scans, too. No, the OTHER one. The one who brought her CHILDREN with her to the clinic. Yes, THAT one...

Yesterday? That woman was me.

The "babysitter" cancelled at the last minute, leaving me with no other option than to bring the kids with me to the hospital for the scan. There I was, in that waiting room I am so familiar with. The same waiting room where I waited for so many hours, so many days, so many years. Waited for another follicle-scan, another IUI, another appointment. Another DISappointment.

But also the waiting room in which I waited for the many many scans during my pregnancy with the twins. It being a "high risk" pregnancy meant every OB/GYN appointment was accompanied by a thorough scan to measure size and fluid levels of both babies. Sometimes sitting there with my obviously pregnant belly made me very aware of the women there who were still in the midst of IF-treatments. Sometimes I'd try to hide my belly. Sometimes I'd try to give them an encouraging smile. Trying to let them know that I was aware of their situation. "Yes, I am pregnant. But I know what you're feeling right now. I've been there. And someday, I hope not too far into the future, you will be me..."

This time was different though. This time I could've left the kids at home. SHOULD have left them at home. But didn't. I tried to, but ended up having to take them anyway. And all the encouraging smiles in the world couldn't hide the fact that I had two healthy, happy, beautiful children with me. And it being a combined RE/OB/GYN clinic, as far as anyone knew I could be there for a pregnancy scan. Trying to send knowing smiles to the other waiting women I must've seemed like the most smugly overly fertile person in the whole wide world. I have never hated myself more than I did at that moment.

And I have never been so glad at hearing the nurse shout the following words at me from across the room: "Cycle day 10, right?"

Do you think she knew?

1 comment:

  1. It is awful how IF jades the color of your world, isn't it? No one else at your clinic would probably give it another thought to take their children there. It speaks volumes about what a great person you are to know that you tried to save others from pain. (things are sometimes out of our control, but your intentions are what mattered!) Anyone who was in the middle of treatments would totally understand that CD10 reference. They'd know. They'd hopefully understand.

    But, I don't know how sensitive those working at the clinics are, well at least at my clinic. They are always surprised when I tell them that my boys are waiting in the car so I don't hurt anyone in the clinic. And these are people who have been working at my clinic for at least as long as I've been there. They are kind and good people! Of course, they are all "fertiles" so maybe they just don't get how badly it feels to not be able to start your family without tons of help and money.

    Anyway, fingers crossed for you. YOu had a scan today (Thurs.), right? Update on how things are going! :-)