Freak-out mode

As of this morning, I am officially in freak-out mode.

I've been spotting for 2 nights in a row, have lower backpain, and just an overal pre-mentrual feeling. And I'm FREAKING OUT!!

The first night I thought: oh shit. I'm getting my period. And then I realised I am 5 weeks pregnant. Whatever's coming, it's NOT a period. And then I cried.

The second night I tried to convince myself it might just be some delayed implantation spotting or something. And then I cried again.

And then this morning, it hadn't stopped. Unlike yesterday. I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm afraid to even think the "M" word. Maybe if I just call it a delayed period, it won't suck as much? Oh hell, who am I kidding?!? I SAW the double lines. I KNOW what's in there. And I don't want to lose it!!!

So to prevent myself from losing my mind entirely, I have decided to go into complete denial. Hence the white pants I'm wearing right now. That's right. WHITE. I am NOT going to lose this baby. I'm NOT, you hear?!?

If I yell and scream that loud enough, over and over again, do you think I will start believing it? Please say I will. And please say any greater power out there will hear, and help out...

I am NOT going to lose this baby! I'm NOT!!

Am I...?

Believer

How's this for a positive peestick?



I am actually starting to believe I am pregnant. Me. Again. Wow!

And it already amazes me how different it feels this time. Not physically, but in my heart. Last time, it was so surreal. We had almost given up hope we'd ever become parents, didn't look further ahead than the next day. We knew we were pregnant then, we saw the double lines. Saw the ultrasound pictures. Felt all those little kicks. But we knew nothing about having children. We had a vision in our head of what it might be like, but it was blurry. At best.

This time around? I KNOW what might be growing inside of me. I FEEL it. With every fiber in my body. There's already a connection. I feel it when I look at our twins. They are my family. The ones that are here already. And the one(s) that we can't yet see. It's weird. But I love it!


Oh shit! When this ends up going wrong, I will crash so hard I won't know what hit me for months...

Ultrasound on August 12.

I confess...

Okay. I confess. I'm not THAT patient...

Yesterday morning (14 DPO) I peed on a stick. I'd been feeling a bit sick since Tuesday. Nausea. And I was tired enough to fall asleep on the couch while watching NCIS. I NEVER fall asleep watching NCIS. And I just felt, well, pregnant.

Turns out all of the above? Just a stomach bug that hit me full on Yesterday afternoon.

But.

The test?

It had a second line. It's faint, but it's there. As opposed to the test I took on Monday (yes, I did take a test on Monday, too. What do you think I am, a saint?!?) which had no second line whatsoever. Nothing. Nada. Not even while squinting and holding the test in front of the window letting the light shine through. Yes. I am that desperate.

So. Well. Yes. A stomach bug. But. I might just be pregnant, too...



(told you it was faint, didn't I?)

Stuff it!

I'm not "supposed" to test until next Tuesday, but that's just torture! I am certain they just say that to bug you. They are like that...

But. I am not on any progesterone or hCG shots (cryo transfer in natural cycle). So. I should start menstruating tomorrow or Thursday. Thus. If I haven't seen any blood by Friday, I will consider myself pregnant. And once I do, they can stuff their official testdate where the sun don't shine!

What did we get ourselves into?

Yesterday morning we had to call the IVF lab to hear if there was anything left to transfer. The only other time I've been so scared for a phonecall was just over two years ago, the morning of our second IVF transfer, the day we met our twins for the very first time...

Yesterday around lunchtime I was in the car, on my way to the clinic.

Yesterday evening we looked at each other and said: "Oh help! What if they BOTH stick around?"

Because...

...we don't want our family knowing about our upcoming transfer (and yes, they do know how to use Google). How's that for a boring reason?

If this works (yeah, right), we would like to choose our own time and place to tell them about our pregnancy. We missed out on that last time...

They will start thawing our little popsicles tomorrow. Nervous? Me? Nah... *biting nails while wiggling toes nervously (which is hard, since they are still crossed for Stacie)*

"plop"...

...and gone was our follicle.

Uterin lining at 11 mm, ovulation confirmed.

Now they're busy trying to find out at exactly what day past retrievel our embryo's were frozen, so they can figure out the best day for transfer. My file seems to have gotten "lost".

Man, they are good at losing things there... The NICU files of our twins (yes, of BOTH kids) were missing too. I asked for a transcript in NOVEMBER, and they finally arrived in the mail last MONDAY. Oh, and the High Care Nursery files are STILL missing.

At least they didn't lose the KIDS, right?

I wonder if they'll be able to find the freezer come Saturday (or Sunday, depending on what's in the still missing file)...


*** update: just called the embryology lab (which is in a different hospital), and they still have everything on record. Transfer on Sunday! ***

Back on track

The scan today showed a leading follie of 19 mm. On the RIGHT side. It seems my right ovary looked at my left, saw it wasn't cooperating, let out a big sigh and thought: "Well, if you don't, I will!"

Ex-leading follie on the left is now at 17 mm so it, too, is still growing. Imagine that: double ovulation in a NATURAL cycle? If we'd not have chosen to go ahead with the FET, we might have ended up with twins (again) this month (if we weren't so, well, infertile)! Weird... It almost seems like I'd be messing with nature if we decide to only transfer one... Is the universe trying to tell me something?

Next scan on Wednesday, transfer (please, let there be anything left to transfer) Friday or Saturday.

Did you hear that?

Did you hear that? That loud grinding noise? Did you? Did you?

That was me. Or more accurately, my FET-cycle. Grinding to a halt...

I was prepared for everything this cycle. The phonecall from the lab saying: "Sorry, no go, none of your embryo's made it through the thaw". The spotting. The cramps. The negative pregnancy test. The positive pregnancy test but no heartbeat on the u/s. And every possible complication afterwards. I was prepared for everything.

But not for today's scan.

No progress since Monday. No growth. Nothing. Still that one dominant follicle at exactly the same size as 3 days ago. And by exactly I don't mean "still somewhere around 12 mm". I mean still exactly at 1,0x1,4 mm, like Monday. Lining still at exactly 6 mm, like Monday. WTF?!?

Next scan on Monday. Wonder what that one will show...